I had a divorce that I am unhappy about. I have four children; two live with their dad. This situation makes me very unhappy. Do you think it is too late to somehow gather all my family back together?
You might start by taking soundings of how each person you wish to be with again feels about it. A lot of pain occurs on all sides in a marital separation, and it doesn’t go away overnight. Besides, as time passes, each of your family has gotten older and has begun to fashion a new life for themselves.
Parents who stay together in their marriage see the growing independence of their children on a day-to-day basis. But in a separation, the parents whose children live away may not be able to keep up emotionally with the growing independence of their children.
Growth and change are natural parts of living. We are unhappy when, for some reason, we cannot keep up with them.
So you must look first at yourself with complete honesty. Do this by taking a sharp look at all the people in your dreams of a family as of old. Look at each person honestly. How old were they when they left? How old are they now? What interests did they have then? Now? The hard part, if there is to be one, is the condition of how things are now.
People respond quicker to warm interest and love than to criticism. When hurt and misunderstandings occur in a marital split-up, the old fears do not dissolve overnight. Indeed, they may never go away.
There are a minimum of two parties in a relationship. It takes the cooperation of both if it is to continue. If you’re the willing party and the other side is not, there is little to be done to nurture such a relationship. Go on with your life.
Life isn’t run by people who are experts in living. Neither are marriages. We’re all beginners for the most part, doing the best we can. This means making mistakes of all kinds, of all degrees. Some can be righted by apologies or forgiveness, but many others cannot: Only time can be the healer, and not always in this lifetime.
You’ve got to look at yourself first, with sincerity and love. The past is past. It may not be fully in your hands to build a new future like the past. But you will be able to get a handle on your problem if you start with yourself. Be gentle and kind to yourself. We are all beginners in living.
—Sri Harold Klemp